So today the Mom and I fought because, God forbid, I want to get my nose pierced. Now, lets all disregard the fact that the law says I am capable of making this decision on my own, apparently I'm not grown up enough to decide to pierce my nose.

Basically, she flipped out. We argued for a very long time. We are not speaking.

I'm still planning on getting it done. She'll get over it.

Written around two weeks ago but not posted

So, last night I went out to Waffle House with the gang, and Ben and some guys came by for like 5 minutes. We were all just hanging out when it happened.

My phone chimed and I assumed it was Ben responding to my last message.  It was Blue Eyes.

I was more than shocked to hear from him after almost six months under the impression that he hates me. Although he would claim he hadn't given that impression, deleting me from his myspace, refusing to reply to my messages, and generally acting like I don't exist says otherwise.

He claimed that he wasn't contacting me for the reason I automatically thought of but I didn't buy it.

Though Emily encouraged me, I didn't really need it. The little twinge that awoke in me when I saw his pseudonym on my phone had already set my path for the evening. Or so I thought.

Around 1:00 I tossed a condom in my purse and I was slipping quietly out the front door, which is a trying activity in itself.

As I drove the dark back road that would carry me past all the sleeping houses to the one where he waited for me, I felt as I never had before.

Though so much time had passed, in that quiet moment, I was exactly the same. The jangle of my nerves, the headlight glow, and radio buzz was all the same.

Deja vu.

I pushed away the frightening thought that maybe I haven't changed at all, as I had thought.

I couldn't have predicted the anticipation that I felt as I waited on your stoop. It mingled so fiercely with the anxiety of seeing you again.

There you were. And just like the entire night, oddly the same but infinitely different.

What I wasn't expecting was the conversation that would flow for the next hour and a half. But I am thankful for it all the same,

You turned to me with all the calm in the room and wanted to kiss me. What happened from there was only natural.

Though a bit frustrated, I left with a smile. I had changed, I am no longer so easily disillusioned as to believe the words you said to me and we lay there, side by side.

Some times I feel like nothing exciting happens in my life. Don't get me wrong, I have a happy, healthy, very blessed life but I often feel like there is a spark missing from my life.

That is because it left with him. Every moment with him I was fully alive. Whether we were fighting, fucking, or just watching a movie I could feel the buzz in my blood.

I miss that the way an addict would miss his fix.

And goddamn it, it makes me what to scream. There's nothing I can do to fix it. Nothing.

I finally finished The Host by Stephenie Meyer. It started off so slow but it got really good toward the end and I was incredibly happy with the ending.

I also read the first chapter of Breaking Dawn online. Which I'm pretty sure is illegal but I couldn't wait until the 31st.

I have to work tomorrow, because heaven forbid that I get a day off of school and work to relax and enjoy myself. Nope, JCP Portraits insists on taking three hours from me, or more. Depending on when I get to leave. It pisses me off. Especially since I asked for it off.

So, for the month of May I read (because I'm assuming I won't finish anymore in the next 5 days) four books. So, about one a week. I usually read more than that each month I think, it's just that all of them were long and two of them were so slow, I had a hard time finishing them.

But, those are just the novels of credible literary merit. If we include the plethora of romance novels I read this month, we're probably looking at more like eight books.

Dear Freewebs,

I wish you would work so  can update the damn website. I hate you right now.

Dear Mr. Jims,

I dare you just once to not fuck up my order. I feel bad because I'm practically friends with every employee, but I am still pissed about my numerous screwed up orders.

And last but not least;

Dear Blue Eyes,

Hey, guess what? Fuck you! You called me and asked me to come over to your house to have sex, but I text you to ask whats up and you assume I want us to be together. That's ridiculous! Would I like to be your friend? Yeah, because you were my best friend of boyfriend for a pretty huge chunk of four years of my life and it tore me up to lose that connection. Would I like to have sex with you? Sure, but I also haven't gotten laid nearly a year. My standards aren't at their highest right now.

[Entry has been censored due to pirate themed porn]

Invited the boys to the Waff. They didn't make it. They love and miss me (ha, I'm sure). Maybe tomorrow night.

I've had a very happy week so far.

And I am asking you nicely not to sneak up on me. My eyes sting already.

It will never be enough for you, huh?

I am alone, very very alone.

And I have been for ages now.

My soul is so broken, sometimes. ANd the cracks have rusted over in the rain of my eyes.

I don't even know what to do at this point.

Leave me be, just for awhile.

I gave you this afternoon. I deserve to enjoy now.

While it still ruins me to admit I lost my best friend, I did.

Things have changed for me.

And she's not helping, and neither are you.

I'm the funny one now.

It doesn't mean shit.

Away from the crowd, I'm more like this.

Reserved, alone, concerned.

Hope is almost non existant.

Like this sliver of silver.

Tarnished.

These song lyrics read like a letter to Bule Eyes from me.

You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

So, I most definitely have a crush on this boy. Still no nickname, everything sounds really gay. This prompts me to try and remember all the nicknames I have given thus far. Let's review, some I have forgotten and couldn't find when I looked back through so I'll just come up with new ones. Those in italics are recreated.

• GingerJew - My best friend, mentioned all the time. Often shortened to GJ
• Queen Funk - GJ's boyfriend. Crazy as weirdo, but I love him
• Tony - Old friend, going into the army this summer, named after his old Mafia name.
• Mexican Politician - This will be replacing McQuiet. Amazing at everything
• Evil Twin - My twin, if we were born months apart and looking nothing alike. And both of us are the evil twin.
• Mothra - Little sis of ET, my single buddy in our group
• Man and Myth - Friends since age 3. Spent a brief time "talking"
• Nava - Ex- IHOP waiter. Don't talk to him too much anymore.
• Spikey - used to work with at Staples
• Faux Hawk - my manger at Staples

Thats all I can think of, so after this laundry list of names, what do I call new boy? Nothing yet, I'm scared to jinx this. So I'm not really talking to people about him yet. He looks cute in his Myspace pic though.

When I was looking back through some old entries, I found one talking about a dream I had where this same boy asked me out but I kept calling him different names. At the end of the entry, I called him a douche.  He is, but I like douche bags with a good sense of humor. He invited me to a party this weekend. I hope he was serious. If so, I'll try to go even though I won't know anyone.