So basically, this is my blog just to keep anyone who's interested up to date on what I'm doing right now. I can't make any promises as to how often I will update, as it is just whenever I have time. Oftentimes, my updates are just useless little posts of icons and such that I snagged on the internet earlier. Those are solely to entertain me. If you want to be alerted when I update, you can register below.
It seems that every so often I will have a moment of my day where I miss you with every fiber of my being. All other things stop, and all I can feel is the hollow ache in my chest at your memory.
Tonight, I was brushing my teeth and all of a sudden, it started. I was crying and I couldn't even understand it.
I remembered how a few weeks ago, it was very late at night, and I looked over at my phone. The line is disconnected now, but I've been too lazy to unplug the phone and put it away. In that moment, I could see again how it looked when the LCD would light up as the phone rang in the middle of the night. SO many times I read your name on the ID and felt my heart quicken.
That will never happen again.
Stupidly, I thought that I might call you. I realized that, I don;t even know if your number still works. I have no way of knowing. It made me even more tempted to cross into the forbidden and call. I wanted to see if there was even one shread of connection to you left in my life.
I don't know you anymore. i don't know what car you drive, I don't know who you're dating, I don't know who your best friend is, where you work, what you do on the weekend, your favorite movie, I don't even know where you live.
I thought that maybe if I knew your number still, then at least I knew something.
I was sobbing at this point. As crazy as it would have been to call, calling you in tears, again, would have been horrendous.
And so tonight, I miss you again. Everytime this happens I feel it starting early in the day. During sixth period today I walked past your class on the way to the bathroom and tried to see if you were in it. Maybe you don't even go to my school anymore.
Tonight, I am crying again. Crying for the hollow place I've never filled.
I have so many questions for you that I will never get answered. I want to know if you really did have sex with Holly, and if you ever cheated. I want to know if you've ever thought of me, if in the last year you've ever missed me. I want to know if you've ever missed our friendship or kissing me.
Its hard to know you have never sat like I am now, losing all composure, and missed your former best friend. I know you never wish we had worked things out.
And sometimes, that is all I do.
Once upon a time, you helped me through one of the hardest periods of my life. You became my light at the end of the tunnel, and you had no idea.
And once, you loved me as no one ever has. I gave you my heart, my body, and I know now, my mind.
We talked on the phone until six in the morning and you sang to me. At a time when love was innocent and I could believe in it.
I gave myself to you, when love was strong and healing.
And when love became something to avoid, I laid with you listening to the Valentine's mix CD I made, and loved you still.
And now, love is elusive and broken. I feel like it has no place in my life. As though all my scar tissue and baggage filled the space love once occupied.
So I am lost, tired, and lonely. And you... I have no idea.
The continued entanglement of school. Just think... only about 9 more weeks
Working at JCP Portraits. It's going well
Selling t-shirts. My site has really taken off and I need to dedicate more time to creating new designs.
Reading. I am addicted to the Sweep series.
The Grove. GJ and I are starting a Pagan community project. It's still in it's infantile stages but I have hopes.
Twilight Obsession. This has actually waned some. Thank God.
So don't expect me around too much any time soon. I am busy building a website for The Grove. It can be found here The Grove. I have a list of ideas to turn into shirts that I haven't gotten to yet. My sales have slowed down a bit and the only way I can think of to give it a kick is new stuff. Not to mention, I need to create a logo for Grove and get some shirts made. I have wanted to add a section for some Pagan designs anyway. I don't have a lot of homework, but I still spend too much time at school, so that takes away my potential online time to be working. I spend an average of 20 hours per week at JCP Portraits now, which is nice because I could use the money and the hours are great. I'm planning on buying a new Book of Shadows. It's expensive but awesome. I am book 6 of 14 of the Sweep series. It's gotten pretty good so I can't stop reading. This blog just isn't at all on the top of my priorities. I wouldn't expect but maybe an update per month. Maybe two. Atleast for the immediate future. Although, Grove information is related to this so I may post any news about that here.
You know what, I can't help it that I honestly do think that smoking weed is stupid. I do not know a single person that smokes weed regularly (let's say, once a week) that I honestly respect. I'm so sorry if that offends you, but it's the truth. All the stoner guys I went to high school with have done nothing with their lives. It's stupid.
I also don't respect people who feel the need to lie to me, and drugs lend themselves very easily to creating lies.
I'm pretty sure my best friend has smoked weed more than the one time she's admitted to. Her boyfriend thinks so too. There have been a few situations that are suspicious.
I dealt with my ex-boyfriend smoking because he didn't give me a choice. I cared about him, he cared about weed. So we compromised. He didn't smoke around me and I didn't bitch. Well, sometimes I did but then again, he was around me high a few times and that wasn't in our bargain.
I just don't like it. I feel like there is something so... unnatural about putting smoke in you're lungs. It's weird. And just so you know, I'm not just talking about weed, I can't stand cigarette smoke.
It's so gross to be around people who stink like smoke all the time. Maybe I'm just not used to it because no one in my family smokes. That's part of it to, I was really raised to think that smoking is bad. Neither of my parents smoke, my sisters don't, one of my sisters got her ass busted one time for smoking outside out house.
Honestly, I don't need reasons to lie to my parents. I feel like I'm finally in a place where they trust me and I wouldn't give that away for a trip.
I think about my ex and I know even more that I don't care for this whole subject. We broke up once because when he started using we couldn't get along. We got back together because I promised to be accepting. Then as soon as we broke up again he started coming to school high like every day. Then a few months ago the drug dogs barked at his car and he ended up being sent to alternative school for 30 days. I heard the other day that he's failed 1 of his court ordered drug tests. It's just sad.
So in class we had to write a letter to ourselves in our Freshmen year to give ourself advice and such. I almost started crying while I was writing mine. Then Coach said he wanted us to read them out That is so not going to happen. Stretch asked to read mine and I wouldn't even let him. But, I decided to rewrite the letter here.
Dear Me Minus 3 Years,
I am trying very hard to remember the state of mind I was in exactly 3 years ago in order to know exactly where you are right now. I imagine that you are very happy in this moment but there is some advice I'd like to give you. But, knowing you as well as I do, I know you're never going to listen but it's worth a shot.
You just celebrated your 6 month anniversary. It's hard to believe that right now when I've been single for so long. I can hardly remember being in a long term relationship. I know that you're well aware of a lot of the problems in your relationship but you have some doubts. You're right, you two do fight way to much, and you did make a mistake in forgiving him for lying to you for so long. I also know that right now, it seems impossible to admit that.
I think you're still talking to GingerJew about what happens with you and Ed, but there will come a day when you don't anymore. I am begging you to find a way out before that. A year from now you'll be sitting in your IFL class watching a video about abuse, gripping the edges of the desk, trying to not make a run for it. Abuse is way more than physical, I know he's never hit you, and he never will, but the scars from the sharp edge of his words will remain forever. Right now, it has only just begun, and there's still hope.
I wish that you never have to go through the next 9 months. I am still haunted, at times, by the name calling and sadness. The friends you have now are unstable and they aren't going to be around much longer. I think you understand, and you've already felt the beginnings of this. You're to young to understand it now, but once you're me, you will know that the only friends worth having are those who stand by you all the time. You're going to find those people, just give it a little while.
I know that Blue Eyes could not confuse you more than he does now. It's OK that you still have feelings for him, from what I know now, I think he feels the same way. He's just trying to find himself and has, unfortunately, found his jackass side. It doesn't last forever. Learn to forgive him for your relationship, because next year you are going to fall so hard for him that I still haven't gotten back up. I would never warn you against that.
You know that plaid skirt you love? It's not good. Stop wearing it. Pigtails are a bad idea. Oh, and so are big clunky boots, baggy black jackets, and bright red lipstick.
Watch what you eat. I'm on Weight Watchers now because YOU ate with out thinking about fat.
I love you, but I never regret that I'm not you anymore. And I am so sorry for what I know you'll go through.
So, the tour dates for Stephenie Meyer's tour for The Host were announced this morning. I woke up 40 minutes early to check them out. She'll be in Frisco on May 10th. Me and GingerJew are going to skip school on May 6th to go stand in line to get our books and tickets for the 4 of us who want to go.
I am so excited. She'll be personalizing The Host and I can get her to sign my copy of Twilight. Yeah!
So basically, I've been either half-assed updating or missing from this blog completely because... I've just had other things to do.
I have a job now. I'm trying to write a story thats been swimming in my head since I was trapped at Staples. So, very slowly, I am developing a plot and characters etc. Unfortunately, I feel sort of stuck. However, if I ever finish it, I already know whats going to happen in the sequel. Which is odd.
So, I would also like to apologize for my emo entry from the other day.
I was in a hell of a mood.
My shirt sales have slowed but today I sold one and thus was glad to see the sales hadn't stopped all together.
I'm reading Practical Magic, and it's interesting. Nothing like the movie. I also have about 10 books I'm planning on reading.
Bad news. My boss texted me today and I think she may be mad at me, but I can't think of what I could have done. Maybe I'm jumpy because the douches at Staples accused me of stealing a hundred bucks.
I got my senior pictures done, but I'm not crazy about them.
