Tonight, my body feels like broken pieces on the inside.

My sleeping schedule is becoming more and more nocturnal each day.

I say that I am tired of being single.

What I don't say is that it is getting harder everyday to go on this way.

Some part of me is hollow.

And when I speak, all the fallacies echo through it.

I don't say that what I would love is for someone to come along

and hold the ever expanding sides of me in.

That I miss being kissed so badly.

My friend has this amazing boyfriend.

I am constantly happy for the love the share.

But seeing it

Breaks me even more

I had two serious relationships in high school

And I can't say that in either one I had that kind of love.

The first one left me shaken

For 15 months I lived according to how my boyfriend thought

I will never truly forget the names he called me

When I see him now, I find it so hard to picture that he is the same person

Who, according to definition, emotionally abused me

But I can remember how I used to talk to this other boy

Who now is just the boy

I fell so hard at 14 that even the next year

Of insults and this unique manipulation couldn't erase him

There was a time when I looked forward to seeing him

Just because he asked how my day was

I never told him "my boyfriend called me a fucking bitch" at lunch

or that last night I cried myself to sleep, like always

I don't remember what I told him, but that wasn't the point.

He was asking, when no one else was.

When I finally got the strength to break up with the first guy

It wasn't for the second, which I'm proud of

It was because I finally saw my relationship from the outside.

In spite of what I didn't do, it wasn't very long

Until I was crazy in love with the second boy.

In that brilliant way that only a 16 year old can be

Even then, things weren't perfect

We fought all the time.

Eventually, after a break that almost ruined me

We just gave up on each other

And he became my best friend

That I was still in love with.

When much much later on after a slew of bad decisions

We gave each other a try for the third time

Things were so much better in some ways

And in others, so much worse

I had to pretend we had this casual relationship

That I never really believed in myself.

I was so happy though, and so alive.

But even that, was not this great love

I want to have that more than you could ever know

I need someone to make this ache in my chest disappear

Before I lose that hope

Time passes, even when it seems impossible.