So, after [things didn't go my way] today (I wish to remain purposefully vague so that if certain people were to ever read this I don't sound psychotic) I went off on a rant to Brittany at lunch.

Basically, theres a guy I'm sort of interested in. I get all of 5 minutes a day to talk to before class. Which equates to 15 minutes a week. Today, I had a little plan, which was an epic fail.

Here's my thing; I've been single for 2 years. The last date I went on was 15 months ago. (If we don't could the Cooper calls, which are just sad) Every time I've been interested in a guy things haven't worked out. Either the guy just hasn't been who I thought he was or he was... well Matt. After 2 years, I feel like I've begun to give up hope on finding a guy worth dating.

I don't like to be mopey, and being single isn't all that bad, but when you're around Emily and Andrew (who are adorable) and Brittany and Jonathan (who barely get along but have been together for 2 years irregardless) it gets really old. In the last two years I have grown up a lot and I've accomplished a lot for myself. All of which I'm proud of. Two years ago at this time I was Cooper's girlfriend. I had no job, I went to school, drove Cooper to work, and hung out with him on his days off. Now, I go to school, I work, I sell my shirts, and I run The Grove. I've come a long way.

Now that I have accomplished all of that I'd like to see some development in my love life.

So, at the moment I have a prospect for my love life. I'm not sure if he's interested in me, and as I said, I have a very limited amount of time to get to know him so I would like to get his phone number or hang out with him some time away from class.

Brittany says I shouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend but I want to know if I've wasting my time. I am planning on inviting him to lunch sometime. Unfortunately things hit a kink today because he wasn't in class.

I have basically been a bundle of nerves for two weeks because of this situation. I know it sounds stupid but honestly, after 2 fucking years of being single and barely dating you forget how to flirt. I have no idea what to do to get a guy anymore. It's been a long time because even before Cooper and I broke up I was with him 3 times. It's been like 5 years since I actually found a new boyfriend. And that was Joe. The emotionally abusive homo.

I don't know what to do!

You see how scattered and weird I'm being in this post? That has been me for 2 weeks!

I am terrified that this is going to fall through. I'm scared that if it does I'm just going to lose hope all together. After having waited so long, if my first real prospect in 15 months fails, and I have to go another year single, I might just lose it. I can't keep going this way. I'm tired of being alone and watching the people around me couple off.

I just want sometime to share some of my time with. Some one to talk to about my day and their day. Some to kiss, and hug, and [for the love of God] fuck. I want someone I can do nice things for who will a do some for me as well. I don't see why that's too much to ask.

And it is the sensation of being on the edge of hopeful and hopeless where even the slightest development in the situation can push me one way or the other that prompted this rant and the the blasphemous things I said after lunch. Which basically went;

"OK Gods, you gave me Joe who abused me. Cooper, who acted like a dick and maybe cheated on me. And then two years to be single and grow up. You fucking owe me one! One goddamn happy relationship. One guy who doesn't want to use me. Seriously!"

As much as I'd love to enjoy my weekend I can't help but hold my breath for Monday to see if I can make any progress with the guy.