This weekend I was reminded yet again why I have found so much peace and assurance in my faith as a Wiccan. I am not writing this entry to attempt to convert in any way shape or form, or do declare Wicca to be superior to any other belief system. Rather, it is what I have found to be right for me and I believe that each person much find the path that is right for them.

On Saturday evening, my community group The Grove celebrated the sabbat of Midsummer of the Summer Solstice at my new house. As cheesy as this may sound, as soon as everyone was in the house it felt as though it was filled with a positive, caring energy.

I worked so hard on the ritual I performed and, in my opinion, it went well. We were able to sit and reminisce about our last year as a group. It was probably the only ritual we have had where, once it had ended, I felt wholly positive about how it went.

Then on Sunday I learned that my 6 year old nephew is no longer allowed to watch the Harry Potter movies because his father (who I already can't stand) feels it's wrong. It greatly saddens me that people who claim to follow a faith of love and acceptance can take a children's movie about love and friendship and, yes, magic and turn it into a recruitment video for the devil. My nephew is only 6. If no one had ever said anything to him about Harry Potter being anything other than entertainment he would have been able to live on thinking it was a funny movie with a flying car and a little house elf. Not to mention, when my brother in law came in he changed the channel from The Chronicles of Narnia (written by a Christian author and carrying heavy biblical themes) to ultimate fighting and then to a movie in which a man got shot by a gang in the 2 minutes we watched, and then to Hellboy and ignored my nephews request to change the channel when he became frightened of the creatures on Hellboy.

I look forward to having my own children one day and raising them in Paganism. I want them to be able to see the world as exciting, varied, and full of new adventures and wonder not frightened by possibly evil Warner Brother's films. I hope to teach them that each and every person is different and people have different origins, races, and religions and that those difference are nothing to be feared. And, should they one day, decide to follow a different belief system and leave Wicca, I will do whatever I can to support them so long as they are safe.

I just learned today that there are a good number of videos on Youtube regarding Wicca and Paganism. If you choose to view any one of them you will see the long list of comments from people who declare themselves as Christian denouncing the beliefs of those involved in the video. While a few attempt to make well thought out points regarding why they believe Wicca or Paganism to be wrong or sinful. However, every single one of these points is based on the Bible. When some one replied that Christians need to understand that using the Bible to convert non-Christians is ineffective, this person uses the example that if a Muslim approached a Christian with facts from the Koran as to why you should be a Muslim then you, as a Christian,would not feel that this is effective reasoning as you do not place faith in the Koran. Non-Christians feel the same way about the use of the Bible to make points. The reply from one of the Christians in this thread replied that if Pagans want to go on doing and believing whatever they want then the will suffer the consequences and even goes so far as to sign the reply with "DIE & FRY".

I find this truly upsetting. In an attempt at fairness, I went onto a handful of videos promoting Christianity to see if there were self declared Pagans denouncing Christianity through the comments. I couldn't find an example. I did see that a number of atheists or just hurtful people declaring Christianity as untrue or even stupid.

I find peace and contentment through my faith. This does not make me want to go on Youtube and attack other's beliefs. It does not make me want to bike from house to house and push my beliefs on strangers or travel to other countries handing out a holy book to people. It is my wish for people of any faith, not just Christianity, to find a similar contentment in their own faith. If it is not to much to ask, I believe the world would be a better place if each person could understand a little bit about other faiths.

Intolerance breeds hatred. If we each work to over come our own ignorance to those around us then we are able to accept one another and end things as petty as fighting on Youtube over who will have the best afterlife.

Obviously, none of these things could be accomplished in a day but, with each person, we create a more loving and positive world.

I went out to dinner with my parents tonight and as I pulled into the parking lot I remembered that this is the restaurant that the ex works at. I was scanning all the waiters to see if he was there and, right next to our table, was the ex. As I walked in, my hands were shaking.

His table was right next to ours. After a bit, he came up and blew air on me with a balloon. We talked for awhile and he told me that he doesn't think things with his girlfriend are going to work out because she's planning on going to school a little ways away. He was thinking about trying to go there too but it probably won't work out. He also told me that he and his cousin have a stripper pole in the living room and I should check out the pictures of him on it on his myspace.

I went to his myspace to see the pictures, which were as unappealing as they sound, and realized he had taken down the picture of his girlfriend and he kissing. Hmmm, why would he go to the trouble to delete her picture and take down the album called "My life" that was all her?

There are times that I picture the love he and I had as metal fish hooks that cut into me deeper with every moment. Removing them caused more damage than having them in, and I bear the scars everyday.

In other relationship news, Alex and Shaunna aren't doing well.

So, Brittany and I both have has a little drama with our exes this week. Or maybe I should say "the" exes. Payton proposed to Brittany via text message and I found out that Cooper has an amazing new girlfriend that he loves and is the best thing that ever happened.

And now all we can do is discuss why it seems to be impossible to actually get over and get past your first love because neither of us have.

And the stress erupted into a fight/bitch fest/ sad fest in the car on the way home, which may have been inevitable.

And now I am watching Twilight deleted scenes and hoping that when I bury my Ostara wish egg the things I need will come into fruition. I need it to happen.

I am in a crappy mood and I have decided to rant:

1. I ordered a custom made Book of Shadows back in September. At the time, this was the highest dollar amount I had ever spent on a single purchase and the decision to spend that money as well as the very important decision of selecting a ritual tool that will be with me for the rest of my life was not take lightly. I have still yet to receive the book. I was originally told that the book would ship around January 15th. Around that day I emailed the owners of the company and asked if the book had shipped. I got a very prompt reply telling me that they had gotten behind and the book would ship on January 30th. When that day had passed I emailed again. This time I got no reply. About a week later I resent that same email inquiring about the status of my order. Again, no response. So, about a week ago I emailed yet again asking when I could expect to receive the book. No reply. So tonight I emailed again from a different email address. I'm giving them one week before I file an official Paypal claim against them. I would like to think that these are good people who are just behind on there orders because they actually do make each book by hand exactly as you specify. However, I see very little reason for them not being able to reply to 4 different emails. For the amount of money I dished out I expect at least a little customer service. Their website says that book orders typically take 6-12 weeks to complete and that may occasionally be extended to 15 weeks. We are officially at about 21 weeks and I have lost my patience. I did not order the damn book on Pagan Standard Time.

2. I have a friend that I sent a message to on Facebook so that we could catch up. That was yesterday. Today, she was on at the same time as me so I sent her another message. She responded to one of her students and not either of my messages. I find that rude.

I am in a wormhole where no one replies to my messages!

3. As much as I love my best friend, she drove me nuts today and I'm sure I did the same to her. I felt like I was part of a hands on lecture series on Baltic amber. I get it, you think it's pretty and you watched a little too much of the amber special on QVC. To be fair, I was not in a brilliant mood today to begin with due to lack of sleep.

4. I feel like my feet are going to fall off and I have the hiccups!

5. I want to play Zelda but instead I am forced to watch Captain Ron and Wild Hogs. Ew.

Good things

1. I have nothing to do tommorrow except get gas and maybe grocery shop

2. The Irish Festival was fun, albeit crowded.

3. I had a fun dinner with Emily, Molly, and Andrew last night.

4. I am considering ordering a corset, and the site that I like has updated with some cool new designs that I like better than the one I had originally picked out.

So the thing with the guy from my history class is officially null and void. And yet, hope has not been lost quite yet. Probably because I made the decision to stop things after our first "date".

The short version of what happened is, we went lunch together and an already uncomfortable situation was further amplified by his horrendous table manners and mumbling.

Brittany keeps saying I should give him another chance but honestly, there is no way. If someone can even control them self on a first date and not completely gorge them self on their food then there is no hope for the future. People usually let yourself go as you get more comfortable as time goes on. If you already have no manners, then where the hell else can you go?

I think that I just don't want to end up with a guy that I'm ashamed to take around people because he acts like a buffoon (and sadly, even with Brittany's situation for the last 2 years, she can't see that)

To summarize my horror at what ended up only being a 30 minute lunch, he was eating shrimp at he ATE THE TAIL! Like, the little crunchy fins! Ugh, I want to vomit!

I am wearing my 7 knot love anklet right now, I have been burning candles in my room for love, I carried my love bottle for the past few days...

Last night I prayed that the Gods would see it fit to send love it to my life...

After a point, the prayer broke into begging.

Please, if this doesn't work out I think I might lose hope all together and that terrifies me.

If I'm single for another year, I can't even imagine what state I'll be in.

Even now, after only 2 years, I know that I have become closed off.

After 3... I can't really consider that.

I will continue to pray. And, if I get a new lighter, I will burn more candles. I'm not taking off my anklet and I'll carry the bottle so long as I have pockets that day.

And all I can ask is :

"please, I need this right now more than anyone knows. I need to be looked at as something special because I can't even recall what that's like. Please, I have gotten so lonely. I just need to have someone who cares about me that I can care about equally. "

So, after [things didn't go my way] today (I wish to remain purposefully vague so that if certain people were to ever read this I don't sound psychotic) I went off on a rant to Brittany at lunch.

Basically, theres a guy I'm sort of interested in. I get all of 5 minutes a day to talk to before class. Which equates to 15 minutes a week. Today, I had a little plan, which was an epic fail.

Here's my thing; I've been single for 2 years. The last date I went on was 15 months ago. (If we don't could the Cooper calls, which are just sad) Every time I've been interested in a guy things haven't worked out. Either the guy just hasn't been who I thought he was or he was... well Matt. After 2 years, I feel like I've begun to give up hope on finding a guy worth dating.

I don't like to be mopey, and being single isn't all that bad, but when you're around Emily and Andrew (who are adorable) and Brittany and Jonathan (who barely get along but have been together for 2 years irregardless) it gets really old. In the last two years I have grown up a lot and I've accomplished a lot for myself. All of which I'm proud of. Two years ago at this time I was Cooper's girlfriend. I had no job, I went to school, drove Cooper to work, and hung out with him on his days off. Now, I go to school, I work, I sell my shirts, and I run The Grove. I've come a long way.

Now that I have accomplished all of that I'd like to see some development in my love life.

So, at the moment I have a prospect for my love life. I'm not sure if he's interested in me, and as I said, I have a very limited amount of time to get to know him so I would like to get his phone number or hang out with him some time away from class.

Brittany says I shouldn't ask if he has a girlfriend but I want to know if I've wasting my time. I am planning on inviting him to lunch sometime. Unfortunately things hit a kink today because he wasn't in class.

I have basically been a bundle of nerves for two weeks because of this situation. I know it sounds stupid but honestly, after 2 fucking years of being single and barely dating you forget how to flirt. I have no idea what to do to get a guy anymore. It's been a long time because even before Cooper and I broke up I was with him 3 times. It's been like 5 years since I actually found a new boyfriend. And that was Joe. The emotionally abusive homo.

I don't know what to do!

You see how scattered and weird I'm being in this post? That has been me for 2 weeks!

I am terrified that this is going to fall through. I'm scared that if it does I'm just going to lose hope all together. After having waited so long, if my first real prospect in 15 months fails, and I have to go another year single, I might just lose it. I can't keep going this way. I'm tired of being alone and watching the people around me couple off.

I just want sometime to share some of my time with. Some one to talk to about my day and their day. Some to kiss, and hug, and [for the love of God] fuck. I want someone I can do nice things for who will a do some for me as well. I don't see why that's too much to ask.

And it is the sensation of being on the edge of hopeful and hopeless where even the slightest development in the situation can push me one way or the other that prompted this rant and the the blasphemous things I said after lunch. Which basically went;

"OK Gods, you gave me Joe who abused me. Cooper, who acted like a dick and maybe cheated on me. And then two years to be single and grow up. You fucking owe me one! One goddamn happy relationship. One guy who doesn't want to use me. Seriously!"

As much as I'd love to enjoy my weekend I can't help but hold my breath for Monday to see if I can make any progress with the guy.

Written April 8, 2008.

"Once upon a time, you helped me through one of the hardest periods of  my life. You became my light at the end of the tunnel, and you had no idea.

And once, you loved me as no one ever has. I gave you my heart, my body, and I know now, my mind.

We talked on the phone until six in the morning and you sang to me. At a time when love was innocent and I could believe in it.

I gave myself to you, when love was strong and healing.

And when love became something to avoid, I laid with you listening to the Valentine's mix CD I made, and loved you still.

And now, love is elusive and broken. I feel like it has no place in my life. As though all my scar tissue and baggage filled the space love once occupied. "

"How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well"

• I have to constantly and consistently lie to my parents about who I am and what I believe as well as what I'm doing with my life. Then, I have to lie to the people I'm doing it with about if my family knows. I can only hope that someday I can be completely honest with everyone and be able to be proud of myself.
• When my ex boyfriend told me today about how much he had fucked up again, it broke my heart. I wanted to scream and at the same time I wanted to go to him. Every time we talk it hurts me to know that he hates me and I'll never be the one he tells these things to first.
• I am so fucking tired of being single that I sit next next to the guy in my history class instead of Britt on the rare chance that something might happen between us. I don't even think I'm attracted to him and he seems dumb. It's pathetic.
• I am equally terrified and desirous about moving out.